I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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