So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
