im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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