I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
