hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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