My underwear smells like fireworks.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
