dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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