It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
