apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
