I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
