toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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