is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
