You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
