$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize