She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
