at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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