Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize