dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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