so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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