I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
