dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So many bounce houses so little time
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
