it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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