Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
