we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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