Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Princesses don't give blow jobs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
