I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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