I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
