I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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