I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
