Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
