I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
