I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
