Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
