I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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