Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
