did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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