I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize