im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
