i'm lost and i look like a hooker
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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