I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
