just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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