she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
