God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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