cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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