We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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