based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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