It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
