saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
