I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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