i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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