My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
