Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
