Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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