Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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