On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
