I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
