i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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