Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
