whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
