if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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